I hv taken the 1st step

I hv taken the 1st step yesterday. Now, I just need to pray for perseverence and presence of mind to strive on. It may not be much to others, but it is a step in the right direction for me. And for once, it is my personal choice.

I don't know why I managed to convince myself to make the 1st move. I guess I am just tired of the 'what-ifs'. I want my future to be controlled by myself and my own actions, and not wonder what may have been.

This seems to apply to other parts of my life as well, but I wun be doing anything about those any time soon because I lack the courage. Let's just take things one step at a time and see what improvements there can be.

I will need encouragement and motivation to carry on. I hope this decision will have positive repercussions on my life.

Misdirected anger

I wonder if my spurts of anger last week were directed at S or myself. Truth is I kinda blame myself for S's predicament, cos even if I am not the one who made the decision, I sorta influenced S's decision by what I said 2 yrs ago.

I can't help but rem K's words 2 yrs ago on why I thought the path I recommended was better than the other path. Words that are ringing in my mind for the past week. I feel guilty as hell, and my hands are tied. I simply can't do anything to help, not anything within my means anyway.

I know S feels bad and that is logical, cos if I am in her position, I will tink that it's the end of the world. How can I continue being brave when it seems that my world is collapsing around me?

Wallowing in self-pity isn't the solution, yet the other part of me wants to scream at the world/society for being unfair. Why isn't S being given a chance at all? Why does everything that can go wrong always go wrong in her case?

I tried thinking Ah-Q, in the sense that this may not be bad. I.e. the adage that the farmer whose son lost a leg and thus could not farm, was also not sent off in the war. But I fail to see what good can come out of this.

Perhaps S's path isn't as smooth as other people and that cannot be helped. But I wish I can do sth more concrete to help.

This Birthday was full of surprises and 1st-times

Firstly, I should thank each and every one who bothered to drop me an sms. Though it may be a simple act, I guess it means that I am still remembered by you.

So in order of when the smses was received (plus, minus half a hr from the exact date):

1. OSZ

2. LKY

3. CYL

4. NYN
5. YLF

6. Greenie
7. GZ

8. Claire
9. Vee-Loh
10. Mei Ling
11. Jasmin
12. XH
13. Spinkypinkie

14. JH
15. DX
16. WJ
17. XY
18. WWK
19. Chris

20. Jac
21. MY

The imp one didn't arrive, and it bothered me at 1st. But fresh year, fresh beginning. I guess I have better things to look forward to.

My colleagues had lunch with me on Thurs since I was on leave on Fri. I think at my age, words need not be many, but it's seriously the thought that counts. No need for dramatic surprises or hugs...

When we came back, the rest of my colleagues sprang a surprise cake celebration for me. I seriously didn't expect it, for no good reason other than the fact that everyone seems busy with the accounts.

I must also give due mention to Banana for attempting to spring a surprise dinner celebration for me, even going to the extent of getting my fren (who is not from the company) to msg me to ask me out. It didn't cross my mind that the organiser will be Banana. Truly. Yes, i was a tad disappointed that it didn't materialise, but hey it's the thot that counts.

On Fri, I did the following: ktving, had high tea, shopped at Robinsons sale, people-watch while having fast food (felt like we were in a fishtank). Nothing extraordinary, but I was happy. No burden, sadness, although there was still that tinge of hope.

On Sat, had sushi buffet. It's incredibly worth it, I think. Can sit and eat from 12-5.30pm (if you have the time), and everything below $4.90 can be ordered. This will of cos include sashimi (best!), oysters and scallops. The best part is it's only around $24. Watched Da Vinci Code after that (bad choice, but we were caught in the hype also. Fell asleep for around 10 mins, I think.) Think the best part of the show came not from the show, but from the fact that when I bought the movie tickets, the staff said to be sure to bring our ICs later. So I asked for what? And her answer is....NC16 mah! Wah!!! I was so happy, especially since that day was my bdae, so I scored another 1st for aging negatively!

Proceeded on to a dessert place where my fren's blatent attempt to attract the mgr caught my eye, so the surprise there fell flat. Apparently she went to the dessert place before the movie to arrange things. Unfortunately, the mgr cmi, so I discovered that surprise before it materialised, BUT I did try to play along.

Btw, YLF's acting skill is quite gd. She had me believing that they bought a top for me, until I opened it on Sun. It was a bag...unbelievable. Still can't believe i got hoodwinked.

For some reason, there were so many surprises planned for me this year. I don't think I am exactly an easy person to trick, so I am still grateful to everyone for bothering to attempt the surprise.

I made the same wish for both cakes eaten. I am not sure if things will materialise. At a min, let me be superficial and put it on record that I hope that I age only by numbers, but not on my face and skin! Haha..

In other news, I may be going on a leisure trip overseas for the 1st time with my frens. Not sure if it will work, but hey, the fact that I am even considering it is a major step in the right direction. I won't even consider going overseas with some frens, so it just shows the comfort level I am at with this grp of pple. Thanks for being there with me. =)

* PS: RSPVH pple, how about a get-tog on 10th, 17th or 24th Jun?

Condom Advertisement

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw this advertisement in Weekend Today. There were pictures (not graphics), detailing why this brand of condoms is better than the rest in the market. To top it all, there are even 4 different types to cater for different needs. The descriptions were funny, especially when I appreciate the fact that there must have been certain finetuning done, since Today is a family newspaper. So yah, it's subtle but adults should still know what's happening.

To all my friends out there

Ok, I was lying when I said birthdays are losing their appeal to me. Truth is I appreciate it greatly if birthdays are remembered. I guess it was just my mood of the moment, which started me thinking of how old I am getting, with little achieved and even lesser direction/aim/purpose for the future.

On the flip side of the coin, I suppose I have more disposable cash on hand, more freedom to go out as and when I like, more realistic about things and more in control of my own emotions (you won't be able to tell from my blog entries..hahah.)

However, as one gets older, I do feel more distanced from the frens whom I grew up with, who shared in my happiness and tears. Maybe it's really my imagination or I am politicising everything, but it was more naive and pure in the past (at least to me) when I could just open my mouth to say whatever comes to mind. Not that it is deterring me now, but I will at least give more thought to how the receiving party will view it.

I guess having worked for close to 2 yrs now, this can be called maturity. I have learnt to phrase my words in a different manner or say things in a different light, depending on the type of person (e.g. detail-conscious; impulsive; receptive to ideas) I am talking to.

I supposed this is a good thing, yet a part of me wants to go back to the world where everything was painted in fairytale shades of glowing pink.

In this new year, I just hope I won't 'lose' more friends on the emotional heart-to-heart talk level. Perhaps we may not talk as much as before or be able to talk about heaven and earth, but yes, I am certainly there for each and every one of you should the need arise. To all our friendships forever!

(Btw, is this a sign of old age when one starts reminiscising about the past? =p )

Depression

Over the wkend, I realised that there are so many people around me who are falling into the abyss of depression and the likes e.g. bipolar disorder, schizophrenia.

This is so frightening. These are people who were/are high-flyers and overachievers with great accomplishments at work or studies, yet even they fell prey to depression. These are also the same people with adequate family and peer support.

Is it due to exceptional stress or unrealistic expectations of themselves? The pressure on them may have accumulated to such an extent that they just snap.

I worry because these are people whom I know, with characteristics akin to mine e.g. being opiniated, with little trust in people.

It's ironical. When you have so much, you will fear losing everything and that adds pressure. But when you have little or nothing, it is hard to survive or even do well in life and that also adds pressure.

In the middle of this 'problem' spectrum, is someone who has little or minimal pressing problems, like me. Yet I feel unfulfilled and that adds pressure cos I wonder why I think this way.

Are humans born to be worriers? I do not think so. Perhaps I wonder why I am born to be luckier (or worse off, depending on who I am tokking to at the moment) and this sort of thinking which has no answer will only lead one to search for deeper answers within one's soul, and that eventually leads to the slippery path of wondering what life is all about.

I have come full circle to realise that perhaps all the above is just an excuse, just like all the other excuses I have been giving. And certainly I do not think that love is the be all and end all of all 'problems'. It brings a different set of problems, and I suppose there will be novelty at that point, but that will also wear off.

More importantly, I need to be happy with myself and the way I am. I am not perfect and I should not expect others to be as well. If others can be happy with me, why should I hanker after the impossible or pray for a lucky break. Whatever will be will be. And that is perhaps the best advice to avoid depression.

I have made some progress
I am able to speak to you without flinching
I don't respond intuitively if someone speaks of you
I am able to treat you like any other person

But I realise that my heart doesn't want my head to do so
It may be dumb since nothing was ever started
I won't go so far to call this love, just an infatuation
If it's meant to be, it will materialise

In the deepest corner of my heart
Much as I hate to admit it
I know that this is because I want to confirm my appeal
That there's nothing wrong with me

I guess I am losing confidence in myself
Especially as things go haywire at work
Nothing is confirmed anymore,
Not my brains, capability or competence

I want to enjoy myself and let myself go
Yet I am so afraid of what I will find at the other end
I want to forget and live simply
Contented with my lot in life

As I grow older, birthdays are losing their appeal to me. It reminds me of how old I am getting, without accomplishing a thing.

I still require the protection and shelter of my parents. I prefer to be dependent on them, deferring to their wishes (when they fit mine).

What do I want really? Should I further my studies, or continue living my wretched life in this fashion? Is my present life really that bad? Why do I feel that I am just living life as it comes? I have no aim or ambition to scale to the top of what I am doing.

I am surrounded by colleagues who tell me that I lack the most crucial thing L-O-V-E. But it isn't as if I am rejecting love, rather it has not knocked on my door yet.

Am I not making enough of an attempt to socialise? Perhaps. But isn't such things predestined? I really have no wish to get hurt. I know this is selfish, but I much rather hurt someone else by rejecting him, rather than be rejected and thus, hurt myself.

Maybe I am meant to be single, yet I feel a sense of envy when I see couples who pass by hand in hand. I may not know the quarrels and tears behind this united front, but what I am looking for is a mature relationship. This is about talking heart to heart, identification and understanding of one another, communication on a higher plane.

I know I am always laughing and kidding around, seemingly without a care in this world, with a strong and positive outlook. But beneath this facade is this vulnerable gal who has to withstand societal expectations.

I yearn to be held against his chest, for a warm body to hug when I am in need of care, to sit comfortably side by side without needing to say a single word.

My colleagues may have gotten to me and I don't think I will be remotely attached any time soon. But yes, a gal certainly can dream....

I really should rein in myself. On one hand, I think I am better than the rest, yet I discovered that I am only human and thus, I shouldn't think so highly of myself and I must be humble.

It's like once bitten but NEVER shy. I seemed to be making the same sort of mistakes over and over again. What can I say? I am a creature of habit? I wish I wouldn't be so hard on myself and I tell myself that I can accept help once in a while, but yet I can't bring myself to lower my defence and 'principles' warped as they may be. I guess it's how I see myself. Think I am in a single word, proud. And that will mark my downfall.

'Here lies a gal, who got killed cos she was too proud.'

Too rashed

I guess I was too rashed today (as usual, you may say). I shouldn't have replied so quickly. Yet I guess I won't feel at ease if I were to blindly agree. Then there won't be any value added from me isn't there?

Maybe I am just eager to prove myself, or conversely to show that the person in question is lousier than me. But then again, if I am really good, is there a need to do that?

I think basically at heart, I am insecure..of my own position, of my capabilities, of how accepted I am by my staff and bosses. I fear that I am lousier, which really doesn't make sense.

On the other person's part, I think I am a threat to her existence. Perhaps I should practise respect for my elders, but I just couldn't take it down and play dumb. Excuses again...I really should learn how to play dumb so that I won't get myself into trouble. And I must really get hold of my own temper.

Friendship

I have been thinking about friendship and the meaning of it, due to certain episodes.

One of my frens somehow incurred the wrath of her close fren to the extent that the close fren told her that she need not speak to her in future any longer. The problem is that this close fren did not tell my fren what 'crime' she committed. I believe it was a really close frenship bcos my fren told me that she felt worse (magnified by 100 times) than if the guy she likes telling her that he doesn't like her.

Somehow, I wonder what did my fren do to incur such a reaction. If their frenship went back a long way, shouldn't this fren understand my fren better? If not, isn't it better for the frenship to end now? In any case, aren't we old enuff to sit down and tok properly?

Another of my frens encountered the same thing and she felt very bad at that time too. The reason for the 'break' was really frivalous.

Maybe it all boils down to fate. When the 'yuan fen' is up, no matter what we do, the 'yuan fen' will also cease. I know it is not that comforting, and I am not saying to give up on the frenship, but I really wonder how did a frenship that transcend over at least 5 years deteriorate to that extent so suddenly?

I can't help but feel that being close frens, everyone may have taken one another for granted. This is aggravated if you have a fren like me, who likes to project a strong image to others (I mean who likes to show her weakness to others?) Then no one will know if you are hurting or feeling vulnerable. Communication is key, isn't it?

Hence, I will just like to tell my fren to take things easy. The frenship may be lost forever (and that can't be helped), but it's no use thinking and going over it repeatedly since history can't be changed. Just thank your close fren for the good times in the past and move on, difficult as it may be. In the long term, it may do you and your fren more good...

Saturday

Last Saturday was an exciting day for me. I participated in an event which I may never get another chance to participate in in future (if all goes well).

Let's just say that working a 15-hr day is really bad...especially when the weather is so hot and humid, although it did rain in between. People can be so irritating sometimes as well...You can spot those dissenters from a mile away.

I had people telling me not to speak to them in Chinese as well as those who insisted that the other queues were empty and hence, they should be allowed to join the other queues. On the other hand, I had those KPOs asking me about who I was and where I am working at, as well as how much I am getting for the day's work.

I got to see people that I will otherwise not meet in daily life e.g. celebrities. I didn't meet anyone THAT fantastically famous, but I guess it's alright for my standard.

I guess it was actually a non-event, but taking a proactive part in the event this time around makes me think deeper. I mean, is it a crime to be disinterested in the state of things? Perhaps I am being nonchalent, but I truly feel that the underdog should be given a chance, especially when I see the bullying ways of the champion. In addition, another phrase I will like to raise is 'I may be poor, but I am poor with backbone'. Thus, those threats and lures aren't anything if everyone shares such a principle.

That said, humans being creatures of habit and comfort may say the above, yet commit exactly the opposite. That's life isn't it?

Lesson from My Lovely Samsoon - 10 things that I want to do tog w my bf

This is of cos applicable only when I managed to get one. So here goes in descending order of importance:

10. Take many fotoes (I am greedier than Samsoon) in our hps. I won't mind if he uses it as wallpaper/ screensaver to remind him of me when I am not by his side

9. Go together to crowded areas e.g. Chinatown/ Little India during festive seasons to soak up the atmosphere

8. Countdown tog, watching the fireworks in the sky

7. Watch a horror movie together at the cinema/at home

6. Watch the stars together (optional - in a moving cable car)

5. Cook a meal together

4. Stay home and cosy up at the sofa, talking about what matters to us

3. Go for a short holiday together

2. Exercise with him (more like him motivating me to) - Running/ walking/ cycling/ swimming by my side, giving me encouragement when i otherwise would have given up.

1. Introduce him proudly to my parents and friends and vice versa.

(Sidenote: I know this is weird cos it will burn a hole in our pockets, but somehow I think I want to attend one of his frens' wedding dinner with him to be introduced as his other half and it will get us in the mood for romance, rite?)

Tada!!! That's it! Haha..I have limited myself to 10 and tried to cut down on some of the more frivalous ones. I apologise for copying some wholesale from the show. =)

Long Weekend

I simply love long weekends...the days stretch ahead and time seems to be neverending. I will have enough time to sleep, watch tv, shop, catch up with frens, and most importantly, get myself in the right frame of mind again.

So let's see what has transpired this week thus far:

1. I went KTVing on Fri, and shared a pretty thought-provoking dinner with my colleagues. They told me that I belonged to a different spectrum from them, due to the fact that my usual circle of frens also belong to that spectrum. This is as compared to them being in another spectrum, which if I may say so, can be deemed to be lower. However, I must qualify by saying that regardless of supposedly which spectrum we belong in, what matters most is being happy. Yet, I do feel that sometimes, I am falling behind in my current spectrum, which makes me wonder if I should change spectrum.
2. Highlighted and trimmed my hair on Sat morning. This signifies a new beginning for me. That guy is just so not worth my effort, so yah, I am moving on. There may not be another guy, but well, it's all fated. And yes, I still have faith in my own abilities to attract. Ha!
3. Went to play board games and catch up with the usual gang on Sat afternoon. It was FUN! Played till my palms started watering, which meant that I was getting nervous. That's not good...means that I am not too scared to lose. Perhaps I should also learn that losing is no big deal.
4. Began and finished watching My Lovely Samsoon vcds borrowed from Spinkypinkie. 16 episodes only...so it was really no big deal as compared to Da Chang Jin. I liked the show, although I think it's unrealistic and not reflective of the real world out here.

But yes, I harbour hope..Although I am not that thin, not that fantastically pretty, walk ugily, has a big head, I have a good heart, head and am funny to boot. How's that for a power combi? Haha...

In other news, my house's computer has totally conked off. It kept prompting us to reboot hard disk and querying us for a password which is non-existent. Computer experts say that it has been infected by a virus. So that's bye-bye to that com. That's sad...

I have also been appointed something thankless at the last minute. This thankless duty means that I have to work on Sat and wake up at an ungodly hour. But I console myself that I may not get the experience again. How's that for lucky?

I also yet again won another pair of movie tickets at a company's contest. Didn't I say that I am lucky?