Sometimes It is Hard Being Me

Sometimes it is hard for me to accept myself.

There are times when I feel no one understands what it is like.

Sometimes when I am angry, I hate my lot in life.

It seems like I am destined to be a failure.

I wish people would always be kind to me.

Yet I realise that it is all up to me.

My own greatest enemy is myself.

And I realised that life is fun just about all the time.

So what can I grumble about?

I am happy to be me.

That is the best.

Pure bliss.

Ever Felt Excluded?

In today's Today, writer Jeremy Lim wrote an article on "Do you feel that Singapore is an inclusive society?"

He mentioned that he did not feel excluded because he knows his limitations and does not expect the community to "sacrifice" everything to accommodate him.

Perhaps I should also learn to accept that I can only fit in by adapting to circumstances and that I will only participate in all activities within my capability.

I guess many people don't see my disability but my ability. It is only myself who tend to notice only my disability. Actually, I should not even call it a disability, but an inconvenience. After all, I still play and work like a normal person.

He reminded that in life, many people without disability are also discriminated against. So yah, I can and am leading a normal life...why then do I feel that I am still lacking something?

Humans are just never satisfied. I guess I am still seeking acceptance in the eyes of my special someone.

My Johari Window

http://kevan.org/johari?name=urnice

Love is a Decision

Published in today's Today - 'Love is not a feeling, but a constant decision that we make. Love demands that we choose each other constantly despite coming across alternatives.'

That is so true...in the case of a family, we are born into it and thus, cannot dictate who we want as our parents/siblings/relatives. But for lovers, no one can stop us from jumping from one partner to another whenever one starts feeling bored with the old.

For 2 people of different backgrounds and families with no linkage whatsoever to be able to set up a family must be like the greatest gift fate/god can bestow. But for it to be able to last through the years, the good and the bad, really boils down to determination and conviction from the 2 parties to weather through the ups and downs of a person's life.

This is beyond mere infatuation or liking. True love is about acceptance and the willingness to suffer together if the need arises. Perhaps I am not ready for true love, since I have always been saying that 2 persons together should mean a higher standard of life or at the very least, the same standard of life - if not, I will be better off as a single. Perhaps I have never trusted anyone enough to be able to say with conviction that I do not mind his flaws or to suffer with him, as long as we are together. I guess I am more Bread than Love. But then again, Love is a Decision, not merely a feeling.

I haven't been posting much on my work...I wonder why. =)

Of Bread and Love

Yesterday's talking point over lunch was on Bread vs Love.

Man A: His gf and him started from Gardenia stage individually, and now they were still at Gardenia stage together. BUT he will aspire to upgrade to Delifrance, but it's not necessary to do so.

Man B: The couple was at Gardenia stage now, but he will strive to be at Breadtalk stage before settling down. So yes, more ambitious than Man A.

To be fair, both did indicate that they are ambitious, just not hungering over it with no regard for the price paid for achieving success.

To me, it was like Heartlander vs Cosmopolitan. My frens (and you should know who you are) are the kind who MUST achieve success before they progress on to other stages of their life, and by success, they don't mean setting up a family with 2 kids before hitting 30.

I am not saying one is better than the other, but it brought home the differing values and importance placed.

So where am I? I am not ambitious, but neither do I want to settle for Gardenia. Maybe I should settle for whatever fate brings me?

Man B told me that I am projecting an image that I am hard to please, hard to maintain and set high standards. Man A agreed readily to that too. Is that really so? So I may be at Delifrance in the eyes of others, but I feel that I am at most at Breadtalk, cos personally I don't feel I am that hard to please or set high standards.

If comparisons are made, I am obviously luckier since I have never really tasted failure or being unable to achieve what I want. Yet when compared to people at Delifrance or beyond, I really am at Gardenia.

All in all, I guess where we want to progress to really depends on where we are currently. If we are on the ground, climbing up a hump will be an achievement alr. But if we have scaled the hump, we will look towards climbing Bukit Timah Hill and after that, Mt KK and then Mount Everest. Our view really depends on where we started from.

Thus, it is more important to find someone who shares the same view and who is willing to strive on in the same direction, so as to achieve a shared goal. This simply transcends the Heartlander/Cosmopilitan divide.

It has been a while since I updated my blog. Some random thoughts:

In the recent Sunday Times, Straits Time polled the public on whether Singaporean females are cheapskates. Only 1 man out of the 10 interviewed felt that the female should foot the bill on the 1st date => I can't help but think if the guy mentioned in the post before was the one being interviewed. Ha!

My MSN nick still shows 'Moving on'. A fren asked if I had moved on. My tentative answer is yes, but making a slow start.

Another fren reassured me that I am not that lousy. It was just my luck to meet THAT sort of guy. Everybody (includes guys and gals) has expressed disbelief at the behaviour of that fellow.

Thinking over it, it may not be my fault. Maybe my colleague didn't know his fren would exhibit THAT kind of behaviour. I should have more confidence in myself.

BUT after saying all that and more, I guess I will never place any belief in such blind dates or dates organised by those dating agencies out there. I may be too quick to judge, but I guess I shall rely on myself more.

More than ever, I think it boils down to fate. I bumped into my ex's best fren and gf lately. For some reason, I made a quick escape before they spotted me. Maybe I felt ashamed that they were still together whereas I have stayed by my lonesome self.

However, there was some good served. I have decided once and for all that I will never ever stoop so low again. I did not break up with my ex, only to settle for someone even lousier. Truth be told, my ex was/is a nice guy. If not for certain extenuating factors that we couldn't have solved, I guess we may still be together just like his best fren.

I may be getting older as the years passed, but hey, it's my life. I have the right to pick and choose till I am happy with my choice. If I should stay single, at least I take comfort that it is my choice that brought me here. I am definitely not that undesirable (I hope!).

'Physical deficiency' aside, I guess I am much more interesting than alot of other gals. I may be headstrong, but deep inside, I am just another gal seeking for love and acceptance. Besides, my flaw really isn't that bad - just need to find a guy with a big accepting heart.

Happy Frenship Day!

I feel tt I am now ready to explain for my sudden dip in confidence around 2 weeks ago. I have resolved to be honest about this, although it is embarassing.

I had gone on a blind or rather, arranged date. My colleague had intro tis Guy to me. We had exchanged a number of smses and we decided to meet. I got a fren to come along. I thought I knew what to expect, since I had a copy of his photo. I wasn't impressed, but I was prepared to be friends.

I was far too optimistic. Everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong, to me at least. He was worse than I expected, but let's not go down this route for I do not want to be branded superficial. My friend and I had to place the order and carry the food to our table at Pasta Mania, as he didn't offer to do either. The last straw came when he didn't offer to pay his portion of the bill at all. It wasn't a slip of his mind, cos he had the audacity to sms me to thank for the food after my friend and I made an early escape.

I felt disgusted with him at 1st. On my way home on the mrt, I started feeling disappointed/disgusted with myself.

On the surface, I may have moved on. But deep in me, I am still struggling with the fact that people feel I am good enough only for men of such grade. My fren who was with me, felt that others may think this way due to my in-yr-face flaw. Although I have been harbouring such thoughts all along, to have someone affirmed it was like a knife through my heart.

Things got worse when I realised that I am much too dependent on others. Despite the strong front of not caring, I do care about others' views. I am obviously not past caring, although I have now resolved to be my own woman - and that includes bearing my pain alone. Perhaps it is foolhardy, but I won't be able to withstand any further blow to my confidence and esteem. I am swearing off romance and guys because being vulnerable really isn't a nice feeling.

It may be foolhardy, since no man can be an island. Perhaps I persist in punishing myself. But I really feel that I cannot trust anyone, not even myself. If this can happen to me when no feelings are involved, what more if feelings come into play?

I have been spending quiet time with myself and my thoughts, and slowly working on recovering my confidence and self-esteem. I believe I will be able to do so, as I have made the 1st step to achieve inner peace - by admitting to what happened.

I will be fine. I have great hopes for the future.