Maternal Instinct

Discovered on Friday that one of my colleagues is 23 yrs old and expecting her 1st child (she is married of course).

With my present state of maturity, I find it inconceivable that I could be the one married and pregnant. When is one ready to be a mother? When will the maternal instinct kick in?

Monetarily, I think I can afford to have a family (if we aren't talking about std of living), i.e. buy a HDB and maybe even a car. But once a baby is born, the whole ball game in life will differ dramatically.

Suddenly, I will not be responsible for myself only. I need to think for the baby and adjust my life around him/her. The decision of having a child has much more implications than merely the monetary drain.

Maybe I have never met the right guy. It has never ever crossed my mind that I will want to bear a kid of Mr X, who will have our genetic codes in him/her somehow. This baby will be the fruit of our love, a testimony that our lives will forever be intertwined.

The mere act of sex is different from wanting to bear a child with Mr X. The level of commitment is different on a emotional and mental level. In our society, perhaps both have been associated to be the same, but when it comes down to the crux, there is a distinct difference btw the 2.

Perhaps tis is y the birth rate in Singapore is getting hit. Gals have no confidence in our guys to stand by us through thick and thin. How confident can we then be in bringing up a kid on our own? Not that it's impossible, but how many women will be able to shoulder everything?

Perhaps I am thinking too much, considering the absence of Mr X. But i certainly do not think that i am ready by a long shot to be entrusted with the upbringing of the future generation, one whom will have my blood flowing thru him/her.

Counting My Blessings

Busy at work. I bet no one will believe that I actually worked till 10pm on Friday night (without dinner). The truth is that I might hv worked even beyond that, except that I was getting the creeps cos I kept hearing radio sounds, but no one else was around on my floor. I was too busy to think about the reason behind it, so well, fear can only get the better of us if we allow it to.

The most remarkable thing is that I act worked till 4am at home on sat night/early sunday morn! I have no idea why I am so busy act, since it is a general consensus that govt servants generally knock off on time and do not bring work home, since there must (supposedly) be work-life balance. Not in my case apparently.

Work aside, I am enjoying life more. Not in terms of any tangible benefits, but in terms of liking life for what it brings to me. Being able to ktv with my friends, chatting over dinner - small pleasures of life. Perhaps people get so upset/depressed with life because we keep thinking about what we could have or what we want, failing to cherish or notice what we already have. Why should we make ourselves so unhappy?

I have realised that:

1. I need not be brave all the time. I can admit that I am not as good because this is what being human is all about

2. If I can open my heart and accept help, I will definitely be much happier. Perhaps I should thank my experience at OBS for enlightening me. I am not sure to what extent I can practise this, but certainly there is no end to comparison.

3. I can have less self-pride and fight my inner demons less.

4. I can align myself with my fears to help me further myself. If the people around me aren't willing to accept me or look upon me in a different light, so be it. I do not owe them a living, but I certainly do not want to enclose myself and wallow in self-created misery.

5. I want to live each day as a brand new experience. Only I have the power to cause myself to worry and be sad. I shall not be a worrier.

The above being said, I do not know if this self-created state of satisfaction is long-lasting, but at least I am finding that I can laugh despite being being very busy at work. This is really something new to me!

Sth new for everyone to participate in. My friends and I are in search of the ULTIMATE romantic song. Everyone has personal favourites, but some of the generally accepted songs are (according to my personal pref):

1. Forgot the song title, but it's the one of the songs in Shou Sheng Nan Nu by Sammi Cheng

2. Forever Love - Wan Li Hom
3. Dou Jiang You Tiao - Lin Junjie
4. Yong Qi - Liang Jing Ru
5. Ai hen jian dan - Tao Ze
6. Tong Hua - Guang Liang
7. Tian Tan - Guang Liang

Sly & Me!

As promised a long time ago...=)

SLY & ME - NDP @ Jurong East!

Back from OBS

After 3 days away from mainland Singapore, I felt almost foreign when my feet touched base at Punggol Jetty.

The past 3 days has been a trying time for me, both physically and mentally. What I am happy about is that I managed to persevere and not give up during the 2nd day, when I even asked if I can go home early.

I realise that I really need to conquer the inner demon/s in me, having only subdued it for now. I will revive it again when I am good and ready.

Seriously, putting everything else aside, if it comes down to the crunch, I feel that I have indeed enjoyed the course. Or maybe I am just good at blocking out the bad memories.

More on the 3-day OBS course when there's time...

Bertrand Lee

This promising young director had his leg amputated due to an accident in Mumbai, India. His other leg is still crushed and he experiences pain even when he sits on the wheelchair.

To be once so strong and healthy, it must be devastating for him to be reduced to this state. Yet, his desire to live is apparent. In his half-state of pain and delusion in Mumbai, he could still tell the doctors that if they had to amputate to save his life, they should just go ahead and do so.

He has proven to the world and himself that he is a much stronger person from this whole episode. This is in no small part due to the support and unconditional love from his fiancee.

How many of us can truthfully say that they will be by their partner's side in their time of need?

Do not forget that the change is radical. Once young, healthy with a bright future to boot, he is reduced to a handicapped now, who do not know what he can or cannot do. He is even saddled with a huge hospital bill, and have to rely on charity and friends to help pay off the debt. Yet, his fiancee has stood by him stoutly. She said in a press interview that she never knew she is this strong. I bet no one in the world will have thought that she is this strong too, before this whole episode. This is no small test. To continue standing by his side despite the odds..

How many of us can be fortunate enough to meet such a love?

In that sense, he will know what he is in for right from the start, whoever he may be.

Times flies...The Singapore Idol Week

The past 7 days flew by me. I didn't even realise that it has been a whole week since I posted an entry.

Have I been too busy? Hardly..but was I free? Not exactly true too.

More than ever, I realised how easy it is to lose myself in activities...activities that may or may not be what I want to pursue. But then again, it is a delicate balance that I have to keep, since these activities are spent together with friends.

Enough of these perplexing thoughts...I shall recap my week in brief:

Mon, 8 Aug - National Day Eve

There was an event in the morning. Was deeply impressed with the VIP. Released balloons into the air. Felt that it was quite romantic. Maybe I should add that to the list of My Dream Wedding. All my guests will be given a balloon each and we will release the balloons together into the air. The balloons can be silver and blue..what a pretty sight.

Went to marina south at night after working OT till 7+pm. caught the free concert (with stars like 183, Kone, Machi etc) and fireworks display. Never been to such a big-scale party b4, cos i never really thought much of such activities. But somehow, i think i sorta enjoyed that night. A pity that there were only 2 of us. Reached home really late that night (mrt was extended till 2.20am).

Tue, 9 Aug - National Day

Went to Jurong East to catch friends' performance. Most memorable part of the day wasn't their performance (heh!) It was when i took a photo with Sylvester!!! Yes, the Singapore Idol guy - Sly! In the flesh!! He even high-fived me!! I will post the photo up shortly once i get hold of it ( I sure hope it turns out good!!) We saw Sly hugging Daphne, but it's those kind of hug between friends.

Wed, 10 Aug

Went back to my main office after lunch today. Decided that i wasn't gg back to my office, even though it was 4+pm only. So i loitered and delayed until 5.30. But I was finding out information to aid me in my work, so it wasn't a total waste of time.

Met my sec sch classmates for dinner. Happy to find that everyone looks and behaves fairly the same. 3nd Singapore Idol encounter for the week - we met Daphne (again. I wondered aloud if she will remember me from the day before)at PS Ichiban Boshi. She wasn't the outstanding one. But she was with this shuai guy. We wanted to compliment her on her performance in Shooting Stars.

Thurs, 11 Aug

I spent the 1st half of my day at Hotel Intercontinental! Had a seminar there. The good part was the buffet lunch at Olive Tree. I am impressed by my organisation more and more.

Fri, 12 Aug

Worked till 8+pm, trying to pass many e-learning tests to enable me to be the approving officer/supervisor watever for many systems. I kept failing one, until I decided to give up. My score was getting from bad to worse.

Sat, 13 Aug

Caught Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. I thought the movie was quite good, but my friends thought otherwise. Maybe the kid in me recognise and secretly hope for such a paradise/fantasy world. The storyline seems different from the Roald Dahl book though.

Sun, 14 Aug

Photo-taking with the Gang at Chijmes. 3 different faculties meant tt the colours were very pretty. The backdrop was also very scenic. But it was very hot. It might have been even worse if it had not rained, so i guess we should count our blessings.

Think tt Chijmes is really a gd place to take photos. Will like to go there at night to one of the cafes/eateries just to soak in the atmosphere.

There you have it! One whole week of activities!

The coming week will be even more xiong, cos I am headed for Outward Bound School! *gasp*

Love Test

The Priss
Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer (DBLDf)

Mature. Responsible. Aristocratic. Excuse me. The Priss.

Prisses are the smartest of all female types. You're highly perceptive, and confident in your judgements. You'd take brutal honesty over superficiality any time--your friends always know where they stand with you. You're completely unfake. Don't tell me that's not a word. You're also excellent at redirecting internal negative energy.

These facts indicate people are often intimidated by you. They also fall for you, hard. You have a distant, composed allure that many find irresistible. If only more of them lived up to your standards.

You were probably the last among your friends to have sex. And the first to pretend that you're pregnant. LOL. Though you're inclined to use sex as weapon, at least it's not as one of mass destruction. You're choosier than most about your partners. A supportive relationship is what you're really after. Whether you know it or not, you need something steady & long-term. And soothing.

Your exact opposite:
The Playstation
Random Gentle Sex Master

ALWAYS AVOID: The Playboy, The Loverboy

CONSIDER: The Manchild

Compliments of -
http://www.okcupid.com/oktest

Personality Disorder Test (Please be confident of yourself despite the results)

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Faceless strangers wander
Aimlessly on streets

Leaves rustle uneasily
A lone leave

Falls with grace
Yet trampled upon

A lone soul
Cries out silently

Emotions are dead.
The night is cold.