Life is a Chore

I know I may frighten many people when I finish with this, but what has transpired this whole week has caused this thinking in me - life is a chore and it doesn't get better.

It seems that no matter what I do, it never is good enough. And the more I work at it, the longer I take to hope to 'perfect' the piece of work, the more mistakes I make due to my over-exhuastion.

I can't help but feel that this is a thankless job. Perhaps I have never screwed up that badly before (actually, let me assure all of you that it isn't that bad. It's just bad in my personal context.), but now that I have, I discovered that I have lost confidence in my work performance. I discovered yesterday that I did not dare to send emails/documents that I will have normally not bat an eyelid or raise an eyebrow at.

Perhaps it's my mind playing with me again. Maybe I am thinking in the worst case scenario - all the repercussions that may occur, which may not happen.

Then again, I am told by my fren who is also born in the year of the Dog that it just isn't a good year for us Dogs. I hope so.

I can't take any more of such things if they continue aggravating.

I cried due to work today again.

This reminds me of the time when I was in the Big 4 and bullied by one of the managers.

I hate myself for making mistakes, but I am also human. And I do not have as much experience. I am not absolving myself of blame in today's episode and maybe it really isn't that big a deal.

Unfortunately, the adrenaline of this morning's episode, coupled with a smart aleck's comment for me not to cry started my tearducts going into overdrive.

I admit I am at fault, and yes, the problem has been solved. Yet I can't help but learn from this experience that one need to push off assignments at work. If one does lesser assignments and has less duties, one will obviously make lesser mistakes. It's logical. So no mistakes made means no blame due. So why on earth am I doing so much work for? I should just sit back, relax, watch the show unfold and gloat at those who made mistakes and thank my lucky stars that I continue fading into the background.

But isn't this wrong? Where's the personal integrity and professionalism that one should show at work?

I know I am being childish and crying certainly doesn't solve anything. But I just feel so sad/depressed.

Why was I so caught up in the notions of love (or the lack of it) when luv doesn't feed the stomach?

Maybe I am not cut out for the cold business world.

A friend told me yesterday that she was sinking deeper and deeper into the hole that she dug herself. She had earlier thought that she had climbed out of it, but apparently it was not to be, with the latest news (read: gossip) that we had gotten wind of.

She further told me that perhaps she did not wish to get out of the hole, since it gave her an aim in life. She can at least entertain her fantasies while being buried under work.

I think that's quite an optimistic way of looking at things, cos I personally feel that the hole should be artificially covered with a drain cover or sth, rather than being left exposed to the elements.

The hole covered by a drain cover will allow normal occurrence of events. If the hole is left open, my fren will be susceptible to all the hurt and unease that she is feeling now. Conversely, with a drain cover (temporary refuge that it is), the negative feelings won't filter in as quickly.

Maybe all this is redundant talk. The hole should have been plugged in the 1st instance. Then there will be no sadness to speak of. Let others dig the hole instead.

Love - Thy Name is Hate

The feeling of being loved
The art of loving

The wonder of being pursued
The uncertainty of pursuing

The joy of acceptance
The reality of rejection

The foolhardiness of falling in love
The torment of one-sided love

The freefall into an open heart
The plunge into a bleeding heart

The willingness to be hurt
The power to hurt

The gift of life
The kiss of death

The unspoken paradise
The publicised hell

It's Love

I know it's love when
Hearing you speak makes my heart soar

I know it's love when
My heart breaks when I know you are sick

I know it's love when
I behave irrationally when I normally don't

I know it's love when
I pen something like this
Despite knowing you will never see it

I know it's love when
I persist to think of you
Even as I know it is impossible

BUT I must have faith
The future is ours to choreograph

Just Me

I am not the prettiest

Neither am I the tallest or smartest

Topped up with my lack of EQ

I know I may not be worthy of you

But I tell myself fate meant for us to meet

I convince myself that I am loveable

That my inner beauty attracts you

At times vulnerable and insecure

I act nonchalent

Yet It is hard to turn away from you

Alas I must for us to pursue our own future

One where our hearts beat out of sync

Never in rhythm together

My Life

Just completed the whole series of Da Chang Jin over the long weekend. That's 70 episodes in all, and yet I am still hankering for more. I won't mind if there's a Da Chang Jin 2, but of cos it must be of equivalent or better standard (not like Liu Xin Hua Yuan)...

It's a pretty inspiring series. I am no bra-burning feminist, but yes - I see the value in increasing the feminine quotient while still being strong. I guess Da Chang Jin is about remaining true to one's beliefs and values in a trying environment (read: political power struggle).

Maybe there's no real need to go into all that, because frankly I am beginning to believe in what my mum always says: Heaven takes care of those who may be slower/stupider. In other words, fate has a way of working out. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. And no, I don't think I am being defeatist when I say this. It simply tells me not to worry or think too much over things which I have luttle control over, although thinking may sometimes be deemed necessarily.

Over the long weekend, I went for Qing Ming with my parents. I am not sure if it's the ancestors who awoke this thinking in me, but I am beginning to realise that I am going to be 24 yrs old and yet I am still being physically taken care of by my parents. Sounds bad..if I was born in a 3rd world country, I may even be a mum by now, taking care of the young. Well, I should stop making excuses about being less physically able, cos after all, I should be and am healthier than the rest of my family members by virtue of being the youngest.

It is also in the same vein that I admit that I need someone to take care of me. It may be a sign of weakness (or conversely a sign of maturity), but there is so much I can do only.

In this year of 24, I hope to stay true to myself. If it is my fate, I shall face what may and not shy away from difficult things. I believe that I have the inner strength and beauty to withstand the tests of life. Thank you to all who have helped in one way or another.

Cup or Water?

A group of working adults got together to visit their University lecturer. The Lecturer was happy to see them. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

The Lecturer just smiled and went to the kitchen to get an assortment of cups - some porcelain, some in plastic, some in glass, some plain looking and some looked rather expensive and exquisite.

The Lecturer offered his former students the cups to get drinks for themselves. When all the students had a cup in hand with water, the Lecturer spoke: "If you noticed, all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal that you only want the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What all you wanted was water, not the cup, but we unconsciously went for the better cups."

"Just like in life, if Life is Water, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold/maintain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change."

"If we only concentrate on the cup, we won't have time to enjoy the water in it."

Nothing much

I realised that no news is good news in this blog of mine. I never fail to update when I am unhappy or worried, but seldom will I update when I am feeling happy usually. Or maybe I should say that I only update for unexpected GREAT fluctuations in feelings. So well, the fact that I haven't been updating my blog shows that I am feeling normal.

Normalcy has claimed me. I am being swallowed into the usual way of life, i.e. deadlines and all no doubt, but they have as yet not ballooned to an extent which will drown me. Which I am thankful for. I have no wish to feel worried/useless.

I attended a wake for my friend's dad last night. I saw my friend with her bf. It has awakened me to the idea that it really takes fate for 2 persons to be together and that it really isn't about outer appearance. Maybe I am not so good, but my standards are placed way high. I am not sure if I should feel inspired on one hand or conversely become even more convinced that I should maintain my standards.

Ultimately, although I know that I need to rely on myself and my own actions, I still believe in the greatness of fate. So say what I like about not being reliant on love and all the romantic notions... I must say that there is still that little gal in me who hopes for my Prince Charming to come claim me.