At Odds

Feeling more and more at odds with myself as time passes...

Who is my real enemy really? More than anybody else, i feel that it is myself who is preventing myself from achieving the best that i can. i set limits for myself, when i may actually surpass that limit.

i go thru life being afraid to try out new things/events/activities, in the process preventing myself from having new experiences.

if i m to say that i m not clever enough, neither am i all that dumb.

if i am to say that i am not physically able, neither am i handicapped.

if i am to say that i am not happy, neither am i sad/depressed.

if i am to say that i am pessimistic, what is being optimistic really?

So where does that leave me? why do i feel that life has no clear direction? i am just going with the flow, unaware of where that will take me to.

Indeed, like what i read in the Sunday Times, 'fear prevents us from living, but not from dying'. but to illustrate exactly what i fear is hard to grasp totally. What i do know is somehow the fear has festered in my heart and manifested itself as a phobia, which equates to irrational thinking.

perhaps instead of asking wat life could have been, i should be asking myself what i can do with my life now. perhaps comparison should not be made, but i do feel that my frens are leading much more colourful lives than me. it is thru my own actions that i limit wat i can achieve.

easy to pinpoint the characteristic that i must change, but hard to achieve. so am i exactly unhappy with my life? I can't say that that is absolutely true either. Truly at odds with myself.